[Disclaimer and forward] This is a personal blog post, and it revolves around a big decision that I’ve just made in my life. It’s taken a lot of internal thought, discussion and courage to open and tell you, so thank you if you’ve now decided to read on. This decision that I’ve made is set in stone and finale, and I feel that posting this will now create a sense of ownership over what I’ve done. I hope that the friends, family and small followers that I actually have will understand and support me, and if you don’t then your opinion isn’t needed [as I’ve already made up my mind].
Today I decided something that will change my life forever, and even now as I begin typing this I feel the heavy armour that I’ve been carrying around dissolving, and because of that I’m actually feeling my body fill with relief, happiness and excitement of what is to come.
Today I have decided that I will no longer continue my course at Uni. This is a decision that I have been toying with for the last year, and one that I was struggling to make in my ‘Move On,’ blog post, [which you can read by clicking here]. First of all; let me paint the scene for you. Boxes upon boxes surround me. It’s the middle of Winter in Melbourne and our house is freezing, frost covers the walls and I am literally right next to a heater. My cat Leo is right beside me, half looking as if he is jealous of the blanket that I’m under, and half supporting me watchfully as I type. I sit on my folded out couch because I’ve dismantled by bed, and the smell of dust and clutter fills the air.
I am moving this week, and [also] this week I was also meant to start back at Uni. I was meant to go to Uni on Monday, and today [Tuesday] I was meant to attend a compulsory night class. The decision to not complete the rest of my degree is an irrational one, a stupid and illogical pathway to most; I know this. All my life I wished to pursue education. I came from a place of family breakdown, and the perusal of eduction meant that one day I would get into Uni, do a degree, graduate, get a good job and secure a permanent position and live a happy, healthy and fulfilled life [which was financially stable and secure]. Hm, security. Thats all I’ve ever wanted in my life; is stability and security.
However, I don’t feel stable nor secure going to Uni, and I have felt this for a long time. I feel like my commitment to this degree was to fulfil what everyone else wanted for me, [or what I thought was socially appropriate for someone like me to do] and especially what I felt I needed to complete in order to make me happy. Yet the truth is: I’m not happy. I am not happy in this degree, I’m not happy attending Uni and I feel as if I’m wasting my time.
I’ve been conflicted over my decision for many reasons; but ultimately the one person that has held me back from making this choice is myself. What if I drop out of Uni and only have the support of my part-time job to get me by? What if I only have a dream and a small means to complete it? What if I took that leap, that jump?
Don’t worry; I’ve thought it all.
Inevitably this is my rationale: we are here for a short time, not a long time [when we put our lives into perspective]. I could choose to complete my course and pretend that I’m happy, or I could rip everything that I have thought has kept me stable [Uni, studying, a degree] from under me and throw it away with the rest of the baggage that I’ve been carrying and try. I can start from the bottom, the real bottom; with nothing, no one or no backup, or anything else to rely on and try to make it as a Writer. I could rely on only myself, and not some promise that one day, if I work really hard and graduate I will get a full time job.
The reality is: I’d rather try and ‘fail’ at being a Writer, than try and succeed at being a Teacher, and if I do somehow fail at that then that’s the risk that I’m willing to take.
* I wrote this before I moved and the feature image for this blog post was taken just before I begun typing. By the time that this post is published I would have already moved into my new house!
* The Knight Life is currently on break whilst I move and will return shortly.
* If I had to put a soundtrack to this blog post it would be “Impossible Is Nothing” by Iggy Azalea, which you can listen to by clicking here.
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