It’s 1:31am and [look, I’ll admit it] I’m feeling a little sad. I have my headphones in and a candle is flickering beside me, a cold cup of tea is directly under my nose and my partner is asleep in the background. This time next week we will be getting the keys to our new house and I -[omg I’m even hyperventilating at the thought]- haven’t even started packing.
I know. I’m crazy. Super crazy. Cray Cray.
I’m super certain that my sadness is stemming from the major [wonderful, but overwhelming] life changes that are about to happen in my life. This tiny little house that we have lived in for two years has almost cursed us; I literally feel as if the walls that I live in has depleted my energy, absorbed all of my light and happiness and has stripped me of my drive and will. I know that sounds dramatic, however that’s how I feel. So much sadness, challenge, change and conflict has happened in this house, and it’s almost as if that has infected the walls and now these walls are like a sponge that just drains every drop of light and love. So now, naturally I feel like I’m read to: move on.
Big things are happening, and even bigger decisions need to be made; mostly the length I’m willing to go to to commit to my dream. I just clicked send to the ‘third’ part of my manuscript [‘Hearts’] to my editors, and even that has made me feel sad; every time I do this it’s like a weight drops into me [it’s so weird, but that’s only how I can describe it].
The other sad thing that is haunting me is I feel like fraud in the current course that I’m doing. Right now I’m also completing a Bachelor of Arts/Education [Teaching Secondary]. I’m in this course because I [know] that until I make it as an Author, I need a source of income. Also working in retail, I don’t feel that can sustain me [mostly mentally, I need to be challenged] and teaching is the only other thing that I am passionate about. However, I’m undeniably passionate about writing and sharing my stories that I am miserable in this course. There: I admitted it. So then, why should I stay in something that I’m not happy in? I’m wasting everybody’s time, yet I feel compelled too. I literally feel the need to stay in something that can provide for me if my talent/writing somehow fails.
There I admit that too; I’m scared of failing.
Whoa, a bit of a raw post? Yet apart of this blog is connecting with you, and hopefully you can connect with me? I think [now reflecting] that it’s time to pack. It’s time to remove the clutter, the negativity and reorganise; and then hopefully my move with both a physical, and a mental one.
* I will be publishing the finale part to Ollie’s chapter next Monday [MON/13/JUL] and then my blog will go on break while I move, don’t worry though! There will be plenty more to come when The Knight Life returns!
* If I had to put a soundtrack to this blog post, it would be “Cold Sweat” by Tinashe, which you can listen to by clicking here.
* After writing this post I started to pack; the featured image is the start of my packing and I’m now getting very excited.
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